I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
