I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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