This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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