Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
