Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
