saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
