a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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