Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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