Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
