The maid of honor just puked.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
