Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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