What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
