that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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