Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
