dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
