What did we do last night that was yellow?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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