I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
