Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
nutella sex= disaster
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
