Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
