I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
