I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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