Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I think people are normalizing furries
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
