Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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