i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
