Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
