Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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