Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
