hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
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Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
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I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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