Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
