i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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