Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
