Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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