I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
