this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
