My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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