I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
