When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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