A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
