If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
