Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
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