i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
