i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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