She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I have demons in me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
