Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
