apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
