he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Panties = found
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
