hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
