So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
