I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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