You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
