Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
