Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
