I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize