I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
