Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
