So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
