I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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