i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
