Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you will always have a special place in my vag
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
