I can text with my tongue
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
